"So I'm sitting in the Oval Office yesterday, right? And I think to myself, 'Why is everyone always fighting?' So I sent out one tweet - just one tweet - and boom! World peace. Putin called me crying, said he was sorry. Xi Jinping sent me a fruit basket. Very nice fruit, by the way."
"The fake news won't report this, but I also fixed the economy by accident. I was trying to order a Diet Coke and accidentally signed some papers that made everyone rich. The stock market went so high it broke the computer. They had to invent new numbers."
"Oh, and that little mountain town in Colorado? The one with the weird kids who used to mock me on their cartoon? Well, they're not laughing anymore. I gave them so much money they don't know what to do with it. The fat kid with the hat? He's now Secretary of Respect My Authoritah. Very qualified."